Expectations and the best laid plans - my birth story part 1

I thought I was going into this whole pregnancy thing with a pretty realistic attitude. Gain whatever info you can, filter through the junk, and make the best decisions you can for you and your baby. Even with my 'plan' for labor, I realized things could change at a moments notice so I needed to be flexible. I wanted to go natural in a hospital because I know things can go wrong. I also was open to pain meds because I knew I had no idea what labor was going to be like for me, but holding off is best for baby so I was going to give it my best shot. I thought I had a pretty good plan that would make sure my babe would have his best chance making it into this world and adjusting to it through bonding and breast-feeding. I didn't know how it would go exactly, but I thought I had a good idea. So the due date comes and goes, but we don't stress it, this is normal for first timers. What I am stressing is the amount of weight I've gained and that my babe has always seemed to measure large. I was told by quite a few folks that those measurements are usually off and babies are smaller than they estimate. Regardless, my expanding girth had me on edge. I wanted a healthy baby, but I also didn't want to have a difficult recovery. I went in at 40 weeks and 3 days for an ultrasound, he's measuring 8lbs 7oz based off his head circumference, that of his abdomen and the length of his femur. This is and estimate that could be off by a whole pound either direction, but the tech doesn't think he's a 9-pounder. So Chris and I talk about the pros and cons. We had originally set up to induce the following day if things weren't looking right, but fluid was fine and a few days wasn't going to change the babe's weight by more than a few ounces. We agreed that trying to wait through the weekend wasn't a good idea however. Though I'd have another checkup on Friday, we'd have to be ready to turn on a dime if things looked bad. Plus, the longer you wait, the older the placenta gets and you risk a greater chance of a still birth. We agreed the best thing to do was to give it until Friday and if he hadn't come by then, to go ahead and induce. Come Thurs afternoon and I was still having doubts about our decision. What if it really was too soon? Was I just doing it because I was scared of having a big baby? Was this decision saying we didn't trust God and His timing? Ultimately I didn't want to labor for hours only to find out that my baby wasn't going to come out or was distressed and have to do an emergency C-section. So with all my doubts and fears and best intentions, we pressed with the plan. I rested (or tried to, but our power went out shortly after getting home) Thurs evening while Chris did our normal family events by himself. We finally got power back around 10PM, got the A/C going and tried to nap before our midnight show time. We probably didn't actually pull out until midnight, but our bags were in the car with pillows and blanket and we were on our way.

Treasuring these moments

I have to start by saying that I have had it fairly easy in comparison to all of the horror pregnancy stories you end up hearing once people find out that you're expecting.  I'm not sure if some women consider it a badge of honor to have suffered every possible hardship imaginable and come through it in the end to say it was all worth it, or if misery loves company, or that scaring the pooh out of a first-time mother is highly entertaining.  Either way, I've had it good.  This doesn't mean I haven't had to deal with any of the normal discomforts, stretching ligaments, sluggish digestive system, seemingly unexplainable fatigue, feeling like I have to pee every ten minutes, trouble sleeping due to previous ailments, ever-changing center of gravity (and hormones), and of course the pregnancy olfactory superpower. 

I definitely have my own complaints and the reassurances that "there's a miracle taking place" and "pregnancy is a beautiful thing" don't always cut it. Sometimes I just want my body back, to be able to look in the mirror and not see a chubby face, to not get winded while going up the stairs, to eat normally without worrying about some lurking bacteria.  I'd love to go for a run without wishing there was a port-o-loo around the corner and sleep soundly through the night.  I'd love to wear the plethora of clothes sitting in my drawers instead of the limited selection I now fit into with belly panels and ultra-stretchy fabrics.  I'd love to look down and see my feet again!  Sometimes I even dread the thought of the coming months, when Little One gets bigger and stronger and the jabs and kicks get more uncomfortable and then the final event where everything is a big unknown.

Yes, I have my fears and my complaints.  Then there are mornings like this morning.  Between the puppy, congestion, and my bladder, I was up at least three times last night and the kiddos woke up WAY too early.  Lately, every time I get up or flip over, our little one gets active so falling back asleep quickly is near impossible.  Normally this would not have made for the best of mornings, but I was finding humor in the kids trying to be quiet (read: loudly whispering to each other and having no concept of the amount of noise that toys can make) as we were trying to snooze for ten more minutes.  Little one was a awake which also made me giggle.  Then there was this beautiful moment when hubby slid closer to me and put his hand on my belly.  We laid there and listened to the loud whispering while feeling the turning and kicking coming from within me.  The temporariness of the situation dawned on me.  There will be plenty of moments when the hubs and I will lie in bed and appreciate our life together and our family, but it will never be quite like that one.  As the kids get older and if we move away, the loud whispering sessions and random announcements that seem so important to a three or six-year old will no longer be.  Family dynamics in split homes are ever-changing and we will never have it as good as we do now with how much time we get to spend with the kids.  And the kickboxing within my abdomen will only last another four months-ish.  Then all the fears of what could be happening within me will multiply to all of the exterior unknowns and this little guy will go through his own stages of growing up with, and then without, his half-siblings; each phase going by with increasing speed.

Every "good" thing and "bad" thing will change into a newer "good" or "bad" thing, so I am learning to appreciate these little moments while they last.  I also might take a nap when the three-year-old takes his :-)

On obsession

I have been thankful, as of late, to have all the busy-ness of the holidays to occupy my thoughts and time. I recall talking with my friend, Lisandra, about what I was going to do with myself after the wedding was said and done. So much energy goes into planning such an event, especially with all the hands-on works I did, so I didn’t know what I was going to do with all of the freed up time. Her suggestion? Get pregnant, then you move on to baby planning obsession.
Happily, accepting a new job, packing up my worldly goods, moving said worldly goods, going on a honeymoon and adjusting to my new life as a wife, stepmom, and headquarters staffer/action officer/ juggler of many things I have no experience in, have kept me quite occupied since this summer. One of my former coworkers, who has an adopted Korean son, would often give this warning in reference to starting my new life, “You won’t have all that free time you didn’t know you had anymore.” Well, since we don’t have the kids all the time, only half of that unknown free time is gone. The rest of it pretty much is too since we’re fans of being productive and keeping busy. Oh, and we got a puppy a while back.
Even still, I seem to have all of this thought free-time (not to be mistaken with thought-free time, as in lack of thought) that is constantly (at least seemingly so) occupied by the little life squirming around my abdomen. The technical side of me LOVES to have a plan. Can I wing it? Can I be spontaneous? Can I be flexible and just go with it? Sure! BUT if I have the option of having a plan and being prepared…well, you can bet that I’ll take advantage of it (I already have a registry started and mostly populated). So finding out about my little alien at four weeks has given me ample time to consider a lot of the 5Ws and the H: Am I going to BF, where’s the baby going to ‘live’ (it’s not like we have a spare room), how much time am I going to take off of work (and can afford to unpaid), who will I entrust the kumquat to when I do go back to work (and will they let me bf during lunch, will I pump too), what essentials will I need, what won’t I need at all but is just a marketing ploy to get people to spend more money, how will I get back in shape, when will I want to start solid foods, how does one go about making baby food, how soon will I be able to run, what kind of diapers do I want to use…? Plus other things like having a birthing plan, making sure the kids are prepared and understand that though the babe is going to get a lot of attention that they’re just as important as always. This is the short list…I have researched and pondered and still wonder what I may have missed…

obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)

— n
1.
psychiatry: a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness
2.
a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

Mental illness? Hmmm…Anyway, this whole long rambling mess is to really say that this pregnancy thing has made it hard to concentrate on other things…like work. And though I sit here, waiting for the clock to release me, reading emails, looking up policies, tracking down budget numbers, and attending meetings, I’m not really here. I am in tomorrow, at the OBs office, eagerly waiting to observe the grainy black-and-white screen, trusting my technician is experienced and accurate, praying for no physical abnormalities, and hoping for a moment of stillness and uncrossed legs so we can assign a sex to the bun in my proverbial oven.
In the grand scheme of things, it will be what it will be and has been for the last month or so…but that’s the thing…I’m tired of finding cute terms of reference without saying “it” or “him/her”. I’m ready to know! Lord, quiet my mind and help me focus on your blessing of this miracle inside of me. Let me not be found in need of a lesson in patience!

On becoming ok with being pudgy (12/5/11)

Honestly, I cannot complain too much. Last I weighed myself, I’ve only gained about four pounds since we found out and I was starting with a just few extra from ‘normal’. I wish I had gained none in the first trimester because that would have meant losing the extra I didn’t need, but overall I’m really not doing that badly. I am on the higher end, but still within the healthy weight-gain range for someone who started out with a healthy BMI.
That is what I tell myself anyway…there’s still that “dieter” that lurks inside of me, that possessed me to start counting calories at 13, and really opposes my beginning-to-pop belly. At 16 weeks, I don’t think I look pregnant, I think I look pudgy. I don’t have any part of my body that’s particularly thin and then this little protruding bump to suggest that it is baby weight gain. I just look thick, like I gained happily-married pounds and let myself go a bit. Sigh…I really am trying to be ok with it, to see the miracle and beauty in it, but it’s really tough right now, especially when maintaining a ‘healthy’ weight has been such a struggle for the entirety of my post-pubescent life. Laziness and giving into unhealthy cravings has been on the rise lately so I know that’s part of my dilemma.
At the end of the week, I have my next OB appt. I’ll wait to see what she says about my progress (I/m trusting she’ll address it if she thinks there’s a problem). In the meantime, I’ll be choking down my carrots, trying to not give into my sweet tooth (or at least not mentioning it to my dear husband who is excellent at indulging me), and trying to up my activity (running 2-3 times a week, but need to add on a couple days of walking/weights). Deep down I know I am doing pretty well overall, and I’ll keep telling myself that, and do my best during this hectic holiday season.

On running while ‘newly’ pregnant (11/18/11)

First I have to say that I am ever thankful that despite all, I can still ‘run’. I put that in quotes to represent using the term loosely. Any semi-serious runner takes offense at the term “jogger” because if you’ve ever trained for a race, you soon become a bit addicted and go a little nutso which I’ll blame on the ‘runner’s high’. The running community tends to be a very friendly and supportive, if not a tad obsessive, place so anyone who partakes and makes a genuine effort is dubbed a runner, no matter the actual pace or distance. There is a certain confidence one gains when learning to run. It can be depressing at first, but those who are determined overcome the stumbling blocks that hit newbies and are amazed what they can accomplished with some effort and determination. So…all that to say that even though I’m still rehabbing my Achilles and have run 3 ½ miles max since Feb, I still consider myself a runner. So why the quotes? My OB has restricted me to 150 beats per minute heart rate while exercising. This has slowed my normal running pace by 1 to 1 ½ minutes PER MILE! So a three-mile run that would normally be 27 minutes or less, now takes me well over 30. Oh well…that’s where I started this thing, I am really just thankful to still be able to ‘run’.
Even though fatigue has been the worst of my symptoms, I get up to 3 hours per week, paid, to exercise during work. So I go for a run on average M, W, F. Those afternoons I am left exhausted, but I feel pretty good while out there moving and I know that a healthy heart for me will help my little one have a healthy heart too. That also helps when my Garmin “yells” at me when my HR goes too high…I hate slowing down, but I do because I am doing this for me AND my little passenger.
We’ll see how long I can continue. Some run right up until or on delivery day. Others slow down, especially in the third trimester due to being uncomfortable (and that you can’t have a port-o-loo every 10 yds). I’m hoping to run as long as possible. My other options are elliptical, walking, and I’m looking into getting a gym membership with an indoor pool so I can swim. However it works out, I know I’ll feel better and I’m hoping it will make the rest of this pregnancy go as smoothly as the past couple of months have.

On love at first sight (10/11/11)

So, my first OB appointment didn’t go quite as planned. I got off work, grabbed my referral and found the office (eventually). When I showed up, they could not find my appointment….great. They handed me a stack of paperwork so I figured they were trying to get me seen at least. About an hour after my appointment was supposed to be, I do finally get called. Fast forward a tiny bit, I got to meet with the OB (and her shadow med student) and we did the usual exam, Pap, Q&A and I’m pretty comfortable with her. She’s no nonsense, very nice, but very ‘this-is-how-it-is’. Told me to enjoy sleep now because 3rd trimester and post partum, forget about it. She told me to keep running, but keep HR below 150 (eek) and that everything seemed good so far. Did blood work afterwards which is never he most pleasant experience, but this tech didn’t seem to be having the best day, so I had a bit of a sore stick point afterwards. All-in-all it was a pretty good first appointment and I’m excited for how it will go after this.
The best part by far was when I did finally get called in, which is why I skipped it until now. Had to do the urine test first and then sat in a funny chair-like thing with stirrups. I knew it was a possibility from what the Tricare lady had said, but didn’t know they’d do it for sure…we did an ultrasound…a different route than normal, but I guess that’s typical for so early on. They put me at almost the exact date from when I thought so everything seems great. Heart beat was strong and fast and my heart melted at the sound. I literally was tearing up, mesmerized by the screen in front of me showing a black and white image of my insides. There was my baby, a two-segmented blobby thing, but beautiful and the proof of life I needed after having such a great experience so far which has left me not really feeling pregnant. She got an angle that showed the profile (sort of). This was really to see the heart beat and there was just enough movement to make out what I was looking at. Another angle showed arm and leg buds…AMAZING. I was so flooded with awe and excitement and wishing Chris was there or that I had asked to get video on my phone of it. I did get two shots of the US which I promptly took pictures of and emailed to Chris and now sit on my refrigerator. My first appointment and I got to me my little one for the first time…needless to say, I was all smiles for the rest of the day.

On being half-way through the ‘danger zone’ (10/4/11)

I am very excited to have my first OB appt in a week. I still have to get through this week, but happily have my little bro’s wedding and a work holiday to help pass the time. Of course I’m anxious, wanting to hear that I have a viable pregnancy and possibly get to see, or more likely hear, my little one. There’s a lot of excitement and fear surrounding this appointment for many reasons, some I cannot go into, so I’m ready for it to be next week.
Past that, I’m still waiting for the possibility of more symptoms…especially morning sickness. I can say that I have been feeling off, but it’s more of an upset innards or feeling like I have low blood sugar or just not being interested in anything healthy. I am limiting myself to looking at the scale only a couple of times a week. I’m trying not to obsess, but I feel like I started out a few many pounds too heavy and I’ve already gained a few…blech.
The whole point of this post was actually to relay that I cannot wait to tell everyone…to get to the point where the worst of the danger is over and breathe a bit easier (until my belly makes that harder). I’m looking forward to showing and all the comments and jokes that are bound to ensue once my coworkers are aware. I want to openly celebrate! I guess in my head, I’ll feel more pregnant if I can acknowledge it.
Oh well, until then, a select few are in the know. And my appointment is in a week.