I have been thankful, as of late, to have all the busy-ness of the holidays to occupy my thoughts and time. I recall talking with my friend, Lisandra, about what I was going to do with myself after the wedding was said and done. So much energy goes into planning such an event, especially with all the hands-on works I did, so I didn’t know what I was going to do with all of the freed up time. Her suggestion? Get pregnant, then you move on to baby planning obsession.
Happily, accepting a new job, packing up my worldly goods, moving said worldly goods, going on a honeymoon and adjusting to my new life as a wife, stepmom, and headquarters staffer/action officer/ juggler of many things I have no experience in, have kept me quite occupied since this summer. One of my former coworkers, who has an adopted Korean son, would often give this warning in reference to starting my new life, “You won’t have all that free time you didn’t know you had anymore.” Well, since we don’t have the kids all the time, only half of that unknown free time is gone. The rest of it pretty much is too since we’re fans of being productive and keeping busy. Oh, and we got a puppy a while back.
Even still, I seem to have all of this thought free-time (not to be mistaken with thought-free time, as in lack of thought) that is constantly (at least seemingly so) occupied by the little life squirming around my abdomen. The technical side of me LOVES to have a plan. Can I wing it? Can I be spontaneous? Can I be flexible and just go with it? Sure! BUT if I have the option of having a plan and being prepared…well, you can bet that I’ll take advantage of it (I already have a registry started and mostly populated). So finding out about my little alien at four weeks has given me ample time to consider a lot of the 5Ws and the H: Am I going to BF, where’s the baby going to ‘live’ (it’s not like we have a spare room), how much time am I going to take off of work (and can afford to unpaid), who will I entrust the kumquat to when I do go back to work (and will they let me bf during lunch, will I pump too), what essentials will I need, what won’t I need at all but is just a marketing ploy to get people to spend more money, how will I get back in shape, when will I want to start solid foods, how does one go about making baby food, how soon will I be able to run, what kind of diapers do I want to use…? Plus other things like having a birthing plan, making sure the kids are prepared and understand that though the babe is going to get a lot of attention that they’re just as important as always. This is the short list…I have researched and pondered and still wonder what I may have missed…
obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)
— n
1.
psychiatry: a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness
2.
a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling
Mental illness? Hmmm…Anyway, this whole long rambling mess is to really say that this pregnancy thing has made it hard to concentrate on other things…like work. And though I sit here, waiting for the clock to release me, reading emails, looking up policies, tracking down budget numbers, and attending meetings, I’m not really here. I am in tomorrow, at the OBs office, eagerly waiting to observe the grainy black-and-white screen, trusting my technician is experienced and accurate, praying for no physical abnormalities, and hoping for a moment of stillness and uncrossed legs so we can assign a sex to the bun in my proverbial oven.
In the grand scheme of things, it will be what it will be and has been for the last month or so…but that’s the thing…I’m tired of finding cute terms of reference without saying “it” or “him/her”. I’m ready to know! Lord, quiet my mind and help me focus on your blessing of this miracle inside of me. Let me not be found in need of a lesson in patience!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
On becoming ok with being pudgy (12/5/11)
Honestly, I cannot complain too much. Last I weighed myself, I’ve only gained about four pounds since we found out and I was starting with a just few extra from ‘normal’. I wish I had gained none in the first trimester because that would have meant losing the extra I didn’t need, but overall I’m really not doing that badly. I am on the higher end, but still within the healthy weight-gain range for someone who started out with a healthy BMI.
That is what I tell myself anyway…there’s still that “dieter” that lurks inside of me, that possessed me to start counting calories at 13, and really opposes my beginning-to-pop belly. At 16 weeks, I don’t think I look pregnant, I think I look pudgy. I don’t have any part of my body that’s particularly thin and then this little protruding bump to suggest that it is baby weight gain. I just look thick, like I gained happily-married pounds and let myself go a bit. Sigh…I really am trying to be ok with it, to see the miracle and beauty in it, but it’s really tough right now, especially when maintaining a ‘healthy’ weight has been such a struggle for the entirety of my post-pubescent life. Laziness and giving into unhealthy cravings has been on the rise lately so I know that’s part of my dilemma.
At the end of the week, I have my next OB appt. I’ll wait to see what she says about my progress (I/m trusting she’ll address it if she thinks there’s a problem). In the meantime, I’ll be choking down my carrots, trying to not give into my sweet tooth (or at least not mentioning it to my dear husband who is excellent at indulging me), and trying to up my activity (running 2-3 times a week, but need to add on a couple days of walking/weights). Deep down I know I am doing pretty well overall, and I’ll keep telling myself that, and do my best during this hectic holiday season.
That is what I tell myself anyway…there’s still that “dieter” that lurks inside of me, that possessed me to start counting calories at 13, and really opposes my beginning-to-pop belly. At 16 weeks, I don’t think I look pregnant, I think I look pudgy. I don’t have any part of my body that’s particularly thin and then this little protruding bump to suggest that it is baby weight gain. I just look thick, like I gained happily-married pounds and let myself go a bit. Sigh…I really am trying to be ok with it, to see the miracle and beauty in it, but it’s really tough right now, especially when maintaining a ‘healthy’ weight has been such a struggle for the entirety of my post-pubescent life. Laziness and giving into unhealthy cravings has been on the rise lately so I know that’s part of my dilemma.
At the end of the week, I have my next OB appt. I’ll wait to see what she says about my progress (I/m trusting she’ll address it if she thinks there’s a problem). In the meantime, I’ll be choking down my carrots, trying to not give into my sweet tooth (or at least not mentioning it to my dear husband who is excellent at indulging me), and trying to up my activity (running 2-3 times a week, but need to add on a couple days of walking/weights). Deep down I know I am doing pretty well overall, and I’ll keep telling myself that, and do my best during this hectic holiday season.
On running while ‘newly’ pregnant (11/18/11)
First I have to say that I am ever thankful that despite all, I can still ‘run’. I put that in quotes to represent using the term loosely. Any semi-serious runner takes offense at the term “jogger” because if you’ve ever trained for a race, you soon become a bit addicted and go a little nutso which I’ll blame on the ‘runner’s high’. The running community tends to be a very friendly and supportive, if not a tad obsessive, place so anyone who partakes and makes a genuine effort is dubbed a runner, no matter the actual pace or distance. There is a certain confidence one gains when learning to run. It can be depressing at first, but those who are determined overcome the stumbling blocks that hit newbies and are amazed what they can accomplished with some effort and determination. So…all that to say that even though I’m still rehabbing my Achilles and have run 3 ½ miles max since Feb, I still consider myself a runner. So why the quotes? My OB has restricted me to 150 beats per minute heart rate while exercising. This has slowed my normal running pace by 1 to 1 ½ minutes PER MILE! So a three-mile run that would normally be 27 minutes or less, now takes me well over 30. Oh well…that’s where I started this thing, I am really just thankful to still be able to ‘run’.
Even though fatigue has been the worst of my symptoms, I get up to 3 hours per week, paid, to exercise during work. So I go for a run on average M, W, F. Those afternoons I am left exhausted, but I feel pretty good while out there moving and I know that a healthy heart for me will help my little one have a healthy heart too. That also helps when my Garmin “yells” at me when my HR goes too high…I hate slowing down, but I do because I am doing this for me AND my little passenger.
We’ll see how long I can continue. Some run right up until or on delivery day. Others slow down, especially in the third trimester due to being uncomfortable (and that you can’t have a port-o-loo every 10 yds). I’m hoping to run as long as possible. My other options are elliptical, walking, and I’m looking into getting a gym membership with an indoor pool so I can swim. However it works out, I know I’ll feel better and I’m hoping it will make the rest of this pregnancy go as smoothly as the past couple of months have.
Even though fatigue has been the worst of my symptoms, I get up to 3 hours per week, paid, to exercise during work. So I go for a run on average M, W, F. Those afternoons I am left exhausted, but I feel pretty good while out there moving and I know that a healthy heart for me will help my little one have a healthy heart too. That also helps when my Garmin “yells” at me when my HR goes too high…I hate slowing down, but I do because I am doing this for me AND my little passenger.
We’ll see how long I can continue. Some run right up until or on delivery day. Others slow down, especially in the third trimester due to being uncomfortable (and that you can’t have a port-o-loo every 10 yds). I’m hoping to run as long as possible. My other options are elliptical, walking, and I’m looking into getting a gym membership with an indoor pool so I can swim. However it works out, I know I’ll feel better and I’m hoping it will make the rest of this pregnancy go as smoothly as the past couple of months have.
On love at first sight (10/11/11)
So, my first OB appointment didn’t go quite as planned. I got off work, grabbed my referral and found the office (eventually). When I showed up, they could not find my appointment….great. They handed me a stack of paperwork so I figured they were trying to get me seen at least. About an hour after my appointment was supposed to be, I do finally get called. Fast forward a tiny bit, I got to meet with the OB (and her shadow med student) and we did the usual exam, Pap, Q&A and I’m pretty comfortable with her. She’s no nonsense, very nice, but very ‘this-is-how-it-is’. Told me to enjoy sleep now because 3rd trimester and post partum, forget about it. She told me to keep running, but keep HR below 150 (eek) and that everything seemed good so far. Did blood work afterwards which is never he most pleasant experience, but this tech didn’t seem to be having the best day, so I had a bit of a sore stick point afterwards. All-in-all it was a pretty good first appointment and I’m excited for how it will go after this.
The best part by far was when I did finally get called in, which is why I skipped it until now. Had to do the urine test first and then sat in a funny chair-like thing with stirrups. I knew it was a possibility from what the Tricare lady had said, but didn’t know they’d do it for sure…we did an ultrasound…a different route than normal, but I guess that’s typical for so early on. They put me at almost the exact date from when I thought so everything seems great. Heart beat was strong and fast and my heart melted at the sound. I literally was tearing up, mesmerized by the screen in front of me showing a black and white image of my insides. There was my baby, a two-segmented blobby thing, but beautiful and the proof of life I needed after having such a great experience so far which has left me not really feeling pregnant. She got an angle that showed the profile (sort of). This was really to see the heart beat and there was just enough movement to make out what I was looking at. Another angle showed arm and leg buds…AMAZING. I was so flooded with awe and excitement and wishing Chris was there or that I had asked to get video on my phone of it. I did get two shots of the US which I promptly took pictures of and emailed to Chris and now sit on my refrigerator. My first appointment and I got to me my little one for the first time…needless to say, I was all smiles for the rest of the day.
The best part by far was when I did finally get called in, which is why I skipped it until now. Had to do the urine test first and then sat in a funny chair-like thing with stirrups. I knew it was a possibility from what the Tricare lady had said, but didn’t know they’d do it for sure…we did an ultrasound…a different route than normal, but I guess that’s typical for so early on. They put me at almost the exact date from when I thought so everything seems great. Heart beat was strong and fast and my heart melted at the sound. I literally was tearing up, mesmerized by the screen in front of me showing a black and white image of my insides. There was my baby, a two-segmented blobby thing, but beautiful and the proof of life I needed after having such a great experience so far which has left me not really feeling pregnant. She got an angle that showed the profile (sort of). This was really to see the heart beat and there was just enough movement to make out what I was looking at. Another angle showed arm and leg buds…AMAZING. I was so flooded with awe and excitement and wishing Chris was there or that I had asked to get video on my phone of it. I did get two shots of the US which I promptly took pictures of and emailed to Chris and now sit on my refrigerator. My first appointment and I got to me my little one for the first time…needless to say, I was all smiles for the rest of the day.
On being half-way through the ‘danger zone’ (10/4/11)
I am very excited to have my first OB appt in a week. I still have to get through this week, but happily have my little bro’s wedding and a work holiday to help pass the time. Of course I’m anxious, wanting to hear that I have a viable pregnancy and possibly get to see, or more likely hear, my little one. There’s a lot of excitement and fear surrounding this appointment for many reasons, some I cannot go into, so I’m ready for it to be next week.
Past that, I’m still waiting for the possibility of more symptoms…especially morning sickness. I can say that I have been feeling off, but it’s more of an upset innards or feeling like I have low blood sugar or just not being interested in anything healthy. I am limiting myself to looking at the scale only a couple of times a week. I’m trying not to obsess, but I feel like I started out a few many pounds too heavy and I’ve already gained a few…blech.
The whole point of this post was actually to relay that I cannot wait to tell everyone…to get to the point where the worst of the danger is over and breathe a bit easier (until my belly makes that harder). I’m looking forward to showing and all the comments and jokes that are bound to ensue once my coworkers are aware. I want to openly celebrate! I guess in my head, I’ll feel more pregnant if I can acknowledge it.
Oh well, until then, a select few are in the know. And my appointment is in a week.
Past that, I’m still waiting for the possibility of more symptoms…especially morning sickness. I can say that I have been feeling off, but it’s more of an upset innards or feeling like I have low blood sugar or just not being interested in anything healthy. I am limiting myself to looking at the scale only a couple of times a week. I’m trying not to obsess, but I feel like I started out a few many pounds too heavy and I’ve already gained a few…blech.
The whole point of this post was actually to relay that I cannot wait to tell everyone…to get to the point where the worst of the danger is over and breathe a bit easier (until my belly makes that harder). I’m looking forward to showing and all the comments and jokes that are bound to ensue once my coworkers are aware. I want to openly celebrate! I guess in my head, I’ll feel more pregnant if I can acknowledge it.
Oh well, until then, a select few are in the know. And my appointment is in a week.
On telling the hubs the good news (9/22/11)
I honestly had thought for the longest time, that I would find some clever way to surprise my husband and tell him the good news. It wouldn’t be a complete shocker of course, as we were trying, but it would be a pleasant surprise nonetheless. I could never find the perfect way, however. The only thing that came to mind was wrapping the preggo test and giving him a “gift” either at home or in public, I was never sure. The downfall is that it’s not original in any sense, unless you get one that has a positive sign or says “pregnant” clearly on it, most guys won’t get what the stick is telling them. Remember, they haven’t scoured the back of the box or set of instructions. Lastly, when I think about it, who wants to get a stick that’s been peed on?…really, it’s kinda gross when you think about it.
So, I had already mentioned that my brain had left me and I couldn’t recall if my period was due that weekend or the next. I happened to have one test on hand so I took it on Sun morning while the hubs was cooking breakfast for everyone. Tick-tock…tick-tock…ever so faintly a second pink line started to appear. Can it be? Really? My brain tried to think of any way there could be a false positive considering this contraption was looking for hormones that should only exist once a primitive placenta has taken root…so this must be it.
All clever or not-so-clever plans flew out the window and I took my little treasure (wiped off and capped of course) towards the kitchen. I peeked my head around the corner and motioned for Hubs to come to me. Once he was out of sight of the kiddos, I pulled the test out from behind my back with the cheesiest grin ever. He looked at it for a second, took a closer look and picked me up in one of his awesome tall-guy hugs while giggling happily. He then asked how I felt. Good. Nervous? No, not really, I want to get some more tests, I need some confirmation, this doesn’t seem real.
So we got everyone ready for church, went to the service and stopped by the drug store on the way home. We needed bread for lunch anyway so it was a convenient stop. I found a brand I recognized, but was different from what I had just used (my brain was worried about bad batches of tests, silly) and we left the store. When we unloaded everyone at home, I excitedly tippy-toe-ran my way back to the bathroom and tested again. This test shows the second line (the one meaning you're preggers) as the vertical cross of a plus sign, Yup, definitely there, still a little faint, but there.
Monday morning I repeated the process. There was most definitely a plus sign, no mistaking this one. I accidentally left it on the sink and got a text later asking if it as from that morning. Yup. Convinced yet? Pretty much, gonna go to the clinic today. The clinic itself was a mess since I had been lazy in transferring my health insurance stuff to the local area, but if you’re a big enough pain, they eventually order you up a lab test. Positive. They handed me a short OB checklist and I was on my way. Sent the news to the hubs. Yay!!!!
So, I had already mentioned that my brain had left me and I couldn’t recall if my period was due that weekend or the next. I happened to have one test on hand so I took it on Sun morning while the hubs was cooking breakfast for everyone. Tick-tock…tick-tock…ever so faintly a second pink line started to appear. Can it be? Really? My brain tried to think of any way there could be a false positive considering this contraption was looking for hormones that should only exist once a primitive placenta has taken root…so this must be it.
All clever or not-so-clever plans flew out the window and I took my little treasure (wiped off and capped of course) towards the kitchen. I peeked my head around the corner and motioned for Hubs to come to me. Once he was out of sight of the kiddos, I pulled the test out from behind my back with the cheesiest grin ever. He looked at it for a second, took a closer look and picked me up in one of his awesome tall-guy hugs while giggling happily. He then asked how I felt. Good. Nervous? No, not really, I want to get some more tests, I need some confirmation, this doesn’t seem real.
So we got everyone ready for church, went to the service and stopped by the drug store on the way home. We needed bread for lunch anyway so it was a convenient stop. I found a brand I recognized, but was different from what I had just used (my brain was worried about bad batches of tests, silly) and we left the store. When we unloaded everyone at home, I excitedly tippy-toe-ran my way back to the bathroom and tested again. This test shows the second line (the one meaning you're preggers) as the vertical cross of a plus sign, Yup, definitely there, still a little faint, but there.
Monday morning I repeated the process. There was most definitely a plus sign, no mistaking this one. I accidentally left it on the sink and got a text later asking if it as from that morning. Yup. Convinced yet? Pretty much, gonna go to the clinic today. The clinic itself was a mess since I had been lazy in transferring my health insurance stuff to the local area, but if you’re a big enough pain, they eventually order you up a lab test. Positive. They handed me a short OB checklist and I was on my way. Sent the news to the hubs. Yay!!!!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wow, it's been a year!
I wanted to comment on an old friend's post and had several avenues to choose from of which would identify me as the commenter. Google seemed the easiest which led to a screen about blogging and quickly redirected to the comment page. I noticed my sign-in at the top and went to the account to find this long lost blog...wow! It has been a year since I had settled to share my thoughts with my love and then NOTHING! Reasons being that I have several other host sites I have used for various reasons to include preparation for our wedding. These too have been long neglected as that stage is over with. I guess I should decide which I should keep and be rid of the rest.
So what has happened in a year? Eight months of wedding planning, applying to new jobs, getting hired for one, packing all of my worldly goods, going on a Honeymoon, relocating myself, combining two households, starting new said job, and getting into a routine in my new life. Oh yeah, there's a puppy in there too.
Oh yeah again, there's a little one on the way, but only a select few know about it yet :-)
So, as one could reasonably gather, life is good...more than good, life is SPECTACULAR. It has its ups and downs of course, but everyday I have such a sense of amazement at how much God has decided to bless me. After dealing with six years of mediocre to misery with only the faintest glimmers of joy while feeling the regret from my part in it all as the most of the rest of the pain has healed, I am stunned that the Lord has looked upon me with such favor. I have an amazing husband and two wonderful kids-through-marriage. Even the harder times are great because God is teaching me and growing me in ways I never would have before. Really that is the joy in my life. It's great that we have a comfortable home, a puppy to grow us even more that I'm determined will be a great family dog some day, and a good job, especially in this economy, to make it all that much more comfortable. And of course, I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Chris is such a good father and supporter so I am so excited for what is to come even though so much of it is rather scary. Everything is catching up to where I had hoped to be in life...maybe a little later than I would have planed, but His plan is always the best...I can't wait!
So what has happened in a year? Eight months of wedding planning, applying to new jobs, getting hired for one, packing all of my worldly goods, going on a Honeymoon, relocating myself, combining two households, starting new said job, and getting into a routine in my new life. Oh yeah, there's a puppy in there too.
Oh yeah again, there's a little one on the way, but only a select few know about it yet :-)
So, as one could reasonably gather, life is good...more than good, life is SPECTACULAR. It has its ups and downs of course, but everyday I have such a sense of amazement at how much God has decided to bless me. After dealing with six years of mediocre to misery with only the faintest glimmers of joy while feeling the regret from my part in it all as the most of the rest of the pain has healed, I am stunned that the Lord has looked upon me with such favor. I have an amazing husband and two wonderful kids-through-marriage. Even the harder times are great because God is teaching me and growing me in ways I never would have before. Really that is the joy in my life. It's great that we have a comfortable home, a puppy to grow us even more that I'm determined will be a great family dog some day, and a good job, especially in this economy, to make it all that much more comfortable. And of course, I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Chris is such a good father and supporter so I am so excited for what is to come even though so much of it is rather scary. Everything is catching up to where I had hoped to be in life...maybe a little later than I would have planed, but His plan is always the best...I can't wait!
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