On obsession

I have been thankful, as of late, to have all the busy-ness of the holidays to occupy my thoughts and time. I recall talking with my friend, Lisandra, about what I was going to do with myself after the wedding was said and done. So much energy goes into planning such an event, especially with all the hands-on works I did, so I didn’t know what I was going to do with all of the freed up time. Her suggestion? Get pregnant, then you move on to baby planning obsession.
Happily, accepting a new job, packing up my worldly goods, moving said worldly goods, going on a honeymoon and adjusting to my new life as a wife, stepmom, and headquarters staffer/action officer/ juggler of many things I have no experience in, have kept me quite occupied since this summer. One of my former coworkers, who has an adopted Korean son, would often give this warning in reference to starting my new life, “You won’t have all that free time you didn’t know you had anymore.” Well, since we don’t have the kids all the time, only half of that unknown free time is gone. The rest of it pretty much is too since we’re fans of being productive and keeping busy. Oh, and we got a puppy a while back.
Even still, I seem to have all of this thought free-time (not to be mistaken with thought-free time, as in lack of thought) that is constantly (at least seemingly so) occupied by the little life squirming around my abdomen. The technical side of me LOVES to have a plan. Can I wing it? Can I be spontaneous? Can I be flexible and just go with it? Sure! BUT if I have the option of having a plan and being prepared…well, you can bet that I’ll take advantage of it (I already have a registry started and mostly populated). So finding out about my little alien at four weeks has given me ample time to consider a lot of the 5Ws and the H: Am I going to BF, where’s the baby going to ‘live’ (it’s not like we have a spare room), how much time am I going to take off of work (and can afford to unpaid), who will I entrust the kumquat to when I do go back to work (and will they let me bf during lunch, will I pump too), what essentials will I need, what won’t I need at all but is just a marketing ploy to get people to spend more money, how will I get back in shape, when will I want to start solid foods, how does one go about making baby food, how soon will I be able to run, what kind of diapers do I want to use…? Plus other things like having a birthing plan, making sure the kids are prepared and understand that though the babe is going to get a lot of attention that they’re just as important as always. This is the short list…I have researched and pondered and still wonder what I may have missed…

obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)

— n
1.
psychiatry: a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness
2.
a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

Mental illness? Hmmm…Anyway, this whole long rambling mess is to really say that this pregnancy thing has made it hard to concentrate on other things…like work. And though I sit here, waiting for the clock to release me, reading emails, looking up policies, tracking down budget numbers, and attending meetings, I’m not really here. I am in tomorrow, at the OBs office, eagerly waiting to observe the grainy black-and-white screen, trusting my technician is experienced and accurate, praying for no physical abnormalities, and hoping for a moment of stillness and uncrossed legs so we can assign a sex to the bun in my proverbial oven.
In the grand scheme of things, it will be what it will be and has been for the last month or so…but that’s the thing…I’m tired of finding cute terms of reference without saying “it” or “him/her”. I’m ready to know! Lord, quiet my mind and help me focus on your blessing of this miracle inside of me. Let me not be found in need of a lesson in patience!